God, what's horrifying is that if dude gets out of jail in nine years (assuming he started his sentence when the kids were still 2 or 3), they won't even be teenagers when he gets out. I would be completely batshit crazy if someone told me I had to let a psychopath like that spend time with my 11-year-old. It's one… » 2/16/15 12:20am 2/16/15 12:20am

I know exactly how you feel. I never gave much thought to it until I had my son, and now the thought of one of us dying and that pretty much just being the end of our relationship—that legitimately makes me terrified of dying. I became really obsessed with cancer prevention when he was about four months old and now I… » 2/07/15 10:53pm 2/07/15 10:53pm

That's what I always got marked down for, too. I don't remember ever enjoying math or being proficient, but I remember being confused about that because I thought I was showing my work. It wasn't until I got to college and took a self-directed algebra course that I realized for the first time in my life that math is… » 2/07/15 5:55pm 2/07/15 5:55pm

That's it—throw down, right now! Scalia, Thomas, Alito, Roberts: express milk, on the spot. Right now. Do it like your imaginary starving baby depends on it. I want to see each one squeeze out one little drop of white gold. » 2/07/15 5:43pm 2/07/15 5:43pm

Ahhh, love To Venus And Back. It might actually be my favorite, since I think about half the songs on it make me cry every time. I still get teary when I start humming "Josephine." » 2/07/15 1:34am 2/07/15 1:34am

What I find interesting about the way Fifty Shades has taken off is the fact that it's ultimately a solution to the fact that *almost* all porn is geared toward men. It's all blowjobs and cream pies and penetration with little attention paid to the clitoris and female satisfaction. In porn, you almost never see the… » 2/07/15 12:37am 2/07/15 12:37am

My mom is that mom, too! For my sister's 15th birthday, we thought we'd all go see Team America, and my mom insisted on bringing my five-year-old sister with us, because puppets! I don't think my baby sister was too traumatized by it, but it was pretty damn embarrassing to go there knowing we were that family... » 2/06/15 3:50pm 2/06/15 3:50pm

Oh my God...every one of these articles about how bad "Fifty Shades of Grey" is going to be make me THAT much more excited to see it. I wish I had taken a picture of my husband's look of twisted pain when I told him that we're going to get a sitter and go see it on Valentine's Day. » 2/05/15 4:48pm 2/05/15 4:48pm

I get really creeped out by guys who have no body hair. Sometimes my husband trims up a little too much around his vitals and it's just...ugh. » 1/31/15 4:21pm 1/31/15 4:21pm

Fucking right?!? My biggest fear when I was pregnant is that I would give birth in my car, but apparently I should've been more afraid of giving birth in a crowded space while some asshole takes his phone out and takes a god damned picture of it. Then POSTS that fucking picture on the FUCKING INTERNET without my… » 12/26/14 9:33pm 12/26/14 9:33pm

So 1) what's with all the elephant bums lazing around in the mud? Go get a job, elephants! And 2) baby elephants love sitting on the faces of sleeping grown-up elephants, which just warms the cockles of my cold, cold heart. » 12/09/14 12:58am 12/09/14 12:58am

I had my second son via birth tub at a freestanding birth center. It was 100% pure, unadulterated awesome sauce. Apart from the bone-grinding pain. » 12/03/14 7:14pm 12/03/14 7:14pm